the first steps are the hardest

I guess this is the where to start part right?
Well I don't know, there's so much to tell.

I've always known that being raised the way I was damaged me. It caused things like my anxiety, my scatter brained behaviors, my moodiness, the intolerance for anything addictive as well as anyone addicted, my impatients, my compassion for anyone having to deal with too much, my drive to help others and so much more. What I didn't realize (until dating an addict 6 years in recovery) was that it also made me reactive instead of proactive, that at 30 I should not still be carrying this grudge against them, that my constant procrastination is a side affect and my constantly needing things to change is even because of alcoholism.

After much push and nearly destroying my relationship with the one person i've met that actually "gets it" I finally went to Ala-Non. Let me tell you the first time was horrifying! I spent so many years hiding the fact that my mother was an alcoholic and I was not ready to let it out. I did not want to hear people's stories and see them cry, but most of all I did not want to cry myself.I've spent 30 years being told by my mother how awful crying in front of people is and how weak it makes you. I sat in my car for 10 minutes arguing with myself about whether or not I should just leave. Then finally I said I have to do this for ME. I put my big girl panties on, silenced my phone and went inside.

Everyone was nice and warm, they invited me in with open arms. I sat there still horrified and listened to the opening prayer. Finally spoke up and helped read the twelve steps and traditions. Then they did something amazing. They shared stories about their first time and how stubborn or scared they were. It let me know I wasn't alone that other people felt the same and experienced the same. I knew immediatly that I would go again.

I've been to two meetings in two weeks. I can already feel a change. It's because I now know that I can change, I can grow and become who I want to be. I am capable of overcoming the damage that has been done. I can't wait to see where I am a year from now. At the least I do know that I will still be posting it here. It doesn't even matter if anyone reads this, I need to let it out for me.

If anyone is reading then say something. Tell me about your first time or why you havent gone yet.