Before you read these post let first note that these are non-professional. I am a writer but, I do not edit these. They are for healing myself and if they inspire others then great. In that I feel that editing will change my original words and therefore do not even think about doing it. Please excuse my grammar, spelling and in general scattered words.
I started this blog with good intentions of documenting my recovery only to let it die. So here's to a rebirth of sorts. I've now been in recovery for over 4 months and let me tell you it hasn't been easy. I've gone from a cold hearted nervous wreck to an emotional wreck to perfectly stable and back again several times.
At my start I went in cold, bitter, numb and hopeless. The longer I stayed in the more that has melted away. After the first month the bitterness left, I had hope and I was warming up a little. It felt amazing, like the rejuvenating effects of a hot bath after a long tiring day at work. Suddenly I wasn't stumbling around in the dark. For the time being I stopped crying the entire way home from every meeting. I had my footing in life once again and was able to at least stumble around on my own. my eyes were finally open again and able to see.
After 2 months I began to feel again. All of those years of holding my inner demons under lock and key made me so numb. I only felt the most extreme of emotions and I was so tired of it. When I finally started laughing again it was unbelievable. For the first time in so many years I was feeling true happiness. I learned at this point to keep my happiness I will have to work the steps. I mean fully work them. Until this point I had done the least amount of work possible. I still wasn't fully open. How far I had gotten with such little effort showed me to finally be whole I needed to go the mile. The whole mile with no shortcuts. Still I was reluctant to get a sponsor. I was scared, I don't know why but I was.
The 3 month point was my big turn around. I still hadn't ask for a sponsor but I made it through the first 3 steps on my own. Painfully staggering the entire way. I cried then openly for the first time in over 20 years. In fact I cried a lot and still am crying often. I started digging deep down in and dealing with memories and emotions that had been buried for so long that i had once forgotten them. Let me tell you this was the hard part. That dreaded 4th step, the fearless and searching moral inventory. I'm still on step 4 a month later. It just hurts so I've gone through it slower than I thought I would. In my own pain I caused pain to so many others. Whether it was unkind words, acts or just being downright nasty. I'll apologize to them all when that time comes and with my recent found tears I'm sure I'll cry my way through it.
3 months is also where I learned about these things called boundaries. Whoa those do exists and I can use them?.... Yes, yes I can use them. Most of my life I've taken what people give and always wanted more but never ask. Sometimes I wanted to not take it, but most often I did anyways. Now that I have these boundary things I don't have to take it. I can say no, I can tell someone I'm uncomfortable, and I can ask for what I really want. At first I set them with a fierce force almost like I had to be angry to do it. I quickly learned that I can gently say things and get even better results. Wow that 3rd month did me a lot of good.
Now here I am in month 4. I learned something new in this period. Something I'm having a lot of trouble grasping. When in stress I want to self medicate, if I don't I turn into an unruly bitch. I guess alcoholism did get me too. I will be following this post with a separate post about this topic. I feel that it needs more detail and a place of it's own. However, I'm hurting. This is not easy and now I have to find a way to handle this new curve ball I found. I attended a speaker meeting in AA the other night. The speaker is an Al-anon and I learned she's an AA as well. Her story made me finally ask for a sponsor and I chose her. I'm finally going deeper. Time to fix things for real people.
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