Double Dipping 101

Everyone raised by alcoholism contains the gigantic fear of becoming the alcoholic. The most feared moment ever is realizing you are the hell you came from. Here I am 30 years old and it hit me. I've spent my entire life being able to pick it up and put it down. When it came to alcohol I always knew my limits and could easily go months without thinking about drinking. I did not have alcoholism, i knew I never would. all it took was one moment and all of that changed.

A few days before christmas My love and I went to a christmas dinner party. I usually have wine at those, just a glass no more. I'm too classy to be sloppy like that. Oh wait that part went away, my sense of self and what I want disapeared. 1 glass went to 2 and before I knew it a 3rd was in my hand and I was drunk. I have no clue how I let myself do this. I did it though, I went overboard. I vowed that day not to drink for a long time out of worry of becoming like my mother.


My other half and myself went to massachusets for a while after christmas for a little us time. He's been in recovery for 6 years and had been in nearly 5 years when we met. He doesnt' drink at all or even like being around it. I've never had a problem with this and in fact love his sobreity. I don't have to worry about it with him, i'm kept from it because he doesn't do it.

Day 2 of our amazing vacation I had an axiety flare up and all I wanted was a glass of wine. He went to get a massage so I went to this cute little fusion restaraunt up the road and grabbed some ramen and a glass of cab while I waited. Suddenly I wanted 2 glasses, and I had already told myself I wouldn't have any for a long time. I didn't have it, I payed my check and walked out to try to forget wanting it. I didn't forget though, it got worse. Suddenly we are arguing and I don't know why all I know is that I started it and it's all my fault. I mean really it is my fault.

The next day I wanted it more, and it continued to escalate throughout the vacation. I'm still sitting here two weeks later wanting more. The alcoholism hit me, I can't shake it I always want it. It never goes away. I will not drink and am thankfully already in Al-anon so I have that program to keep me in review of myself. I am now what's called a double dipper though, as in I fit into AA and Al-anon. I went to AA a few times now and will continue to go.

While I may be in a program and I know where to get help. This is still my greatest fear. Always has been always will be. I'm living my nightmare. I will never drink like my mom and abandone everyone in my life for alcohol. I can not be that person it's not in me. Oh wait I could if I let it go, I could drink daily and stay that way. Some deep dark thing inside of me wants to do just that. I will not let it win though, I will conquer this.