Struggling to adult

Yeah, the title sums it up nicely. I'm 30 and I still struggle with being an adult. I just can't, I can't, I can't, I CAN NOT! It's not always like this, sometimes I adult and I adult like well an adult. Today, however, I am not an adult. I am a child held by the chains my addict parents bound me in, tortured by anxiety and stuck in the body of a 30-year-old woman. I'm scared to break the chains, hell I'm scared to even move.

I'm not me right now. My own self-became lost in wake of the destruction they caused inside my own head. I have found myself, she's there, but today something happened and it triggered all of it to come back and become reality for me again. That's what anxiety does it makes things real even when they are not. These things I'm talking about were lost in time years ago and fixed diligently through my own program. Not today, today they are back and as real as ever.

It's like no matter what I do I can't escape them, their addiction and their shortcomings will haunt me forever. I hate them for it, sometimes, other times I forgive them. Mostly when I get like this I hate myself. I hate myself for not starting a program earlier in life, I hate myself for allowing myself to be trapped like this, I hate myself for hating them..... etc...

I have to beat myself up because if I don't blame myself then I will go back into that victim mentality and I do not want to be back there. That's it one extreme to another, no happy middle ground. All I want in life is happy middle ground. The extremes wear heavily on me, it's exhausting and stressful. Now I'm beating myself up for the extremes.

What do I do?
How do I fix it?
Will this cycle ever end?

Of course, it will! I have a program and my program has given me tools to handle this situation. This too shall pass.

"Keep coming back, it works if you work it"