Thursday, February 11, 2016
Struggling to adult
Yeah, the title sums it up nicely. I'm 30 and I still struggle with being an adult. I just can't, I can't, I can't, I CAN NOT! It's not always like this, sometimes I adult and I adult like well an adult. Today, however, I am not an adult. I am a child held by the chains my addict parents bound me in, tortured by anxiety and stuck in the body of a 30-year-old woman. I'm scared to break the chains, hell I'm scared to even move.
I'm not me right now. My own self-became lost in wake of the destruction they caused inside my own head. I have found myself, she's there, but today something happened and it triggered all of it to come back and become reality for me again. That's what anxiety does it makes things real even when they are not. These things I'm talking about were lost in time years ago and fixed diligently through my own program. Not today, today they are back and as real as ever.
It's like no matter what I do I can't escape them, their addiction and their shortcomings will haunt me forever. I hate them for it, sometimes, other times I forgive them. Mostly when I get like this I hate myself. I hate myself for not starting a program earlier in life, I hate myself for allowing myself to be trapped like this, I hate myself for hating them..... etc...
I have to beat myself up because if I don't blame myself then I will go back into that victim mentality and I do not want to be back there. That's it one extreme to another, no happy middle ground. All I want in life is happy middle ground. The extremes wear heavily on me, it's exhausting and stressful. Now I'm beating myself up for the extremes.
What do I do?
How do I fix it?
Will this cycle ever end?
Of course, it will! I have a program and my program has given me tools to handle this situation. This too shall pass.
"Keep coming back, it works if you work it"
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Double Dipping 101
Everyone raised by alcoholism contains the gigantic fear of becoming the alcoholic. The most feared moment ever is realizing you are the hell you came from. Here I am 30 years old and it hit me. I've spent my entire life being able to pick it up and put it down. When it came to alcohol I always knew my limits and could easily go months without thinking about drinking. I did not have alcoholism, i knew I never would. all it took was one moment and all of that changed.
A few days before christmas My love and I went to a christmas dinner party. I usually have wine at those, just a glass no more. I'm too classy to be sloppy like that. Oh wait that part went away, my sense of self and what I want disapeared. 1 glass went to 2 and before I knew it a 3rd was in my hand and I was drunk. I have no clue how I let myself do this. I did it though, I went overboard. I vowed that day not to drink for a long time out of worry of becoming like my mother.
My other half and myself went to massachusets for a while after christmas for a little us time. He's been in recovery for 6 years and had been in nearly 5 years when we met. He doesnt' drink at all or even like being around it. I've never had a problem with this and in fact love his sobreity. I don't have to worry about it with him, i'm kept from it because he doesn't do it.
Day 2 of our amazing vacation I had an axiety flare up and all I wanted was a glass of wine. He went to get a massage so I went to this cute little fusion restaraunt up the road and grabbed some ramen and a glass of cab while I waited. Suddenly I wanted 2 glasses, and I had already told myself I wouldn't have any for a long time. I didn't have it, I payed my check and walked out to try to forget wanting it. I didn't forget though, it got worse. Suddenly we are arguing and I don't know why all I know is that I started it and it's all my fault. I mean really it is my fault.
The next day I wanted it more, and it continued to escalate throughout the vacation. I'm still sitting here two weeks later wanting more. The alcoholism hit me, I can't shake it I always want it. It never goes away. I will not drink and am thankfully already in Al-anon so I have that program to keep me in review of myself. I am now what's called a double dipper though, as in I fit into AA and Al-anon. I went to AA a few times now and will continue to go.
While I may be in a program and I know where to get help. This is still my greatest fear. Always has been always will be. I'm living my nightmare. I will never drink like my mom and abandone everyone in my life for alcohol. I can not be that person it's not in me. Oh wait I could if I let it go, I could drink daily and stay that way. Some deep dark thing inside of me wants to do just that. I will not let it win though, I will conquer this.
first 4 months in recovery.
Before you read these post let first note that these are non-professional. I am a writer but, I do not edit these. They are for healing myself and if they inspire others then great. In that I feel that editing will change my original words and therefore do not even think about doing it. Please excuse my grammar, spelling and in general scattered words.
I started this blog with good intentions of documenting my recovery only to let it die. So here's to a rebirth of sorts. I've now been in recovery for over 4 months and let me tell you it hasn't been easy. I've gone from a cold hearted nervous wreck to an emotional wreck to perfectly stable and back again several times.
At my start I went in cold, bitter, numb and hopeless. The longer I stayed in the more that has melted away. After the first month the bitterness left, I had hope and I was warming up a little. It felt amazing, like the rejuvenating effects of a hot bath after a long tiring day at work. Suddenly I wasn't stumbling around in the dark. For the time being I stopped crying the entire way home from every meeting. I had my footing in life once again and was able to at least stumble around on my own. my eyes were finally open again and able to see.
After 2 months I began to feel again. All of those years of holding my inner demons under lock and key made me so numb. I only felt the most extreme of emotions and I was so tired of it. When I finally started laughing again it was unbelievable. For the first time in so many years I was feeling true happiness. I learned at this point to keep my happiness I will have to work the steps. I mean fully work them. Until this point I had done the least amount of work possible. I still wasn't fully open. How far I had gotten with such little effort showed me to finally be whole I needed to go the mile. The whole mile with no shortcuts. Still I was reluctant to get a sponsor. I was scared, I don't know why but I was.
The 3 month point was my big turn around. I still hadn't ask for a sponsor but I made it through the first 3 steps on my own. Painfully staggering the entire way. I cried then openly for the first time in over 20 years. In fact I cried a lot and still am crying often. I started digging deep down in and dealing with memories and emotions that had been buried for so long that i had once forgotten them. Let me tell you this was the hard part. That dreaded 4th step, the fearless and searching moral inventory. I'm still on step 4 a month later. It just hurts so I've gone through it slower than I thought I would. In my own pain I caused pain to so many others. Whether it was unkind words, acts or just being downright nasty. I'll apologize to them all when that time comes and with my recent found tears I'm sure I'll cry my way through it.
3 months is also where I learned about these things called boundaries. Whoa those do exists and I can use them?.... Yes, yes I can use them. Most of my life I've taken what people give and always wanted more but never ask. Sometimes I wanted to not take it, but most often I did anyways. Now that I have these boundary things I don't have to take it. I can say no, I can tell someone I'm uncomfortable, and I can ask for what I really want. At first I set them with a fierce force almost like I had to be angry to do it. I quickly learned that I can gently say things and get even better results. Wow that 3rd month did me a lot of good.
Now here I am in month 4. I learned something new in this period. Something I'm having a lot of trouble grasping. When in stress I want to self medicate, if I don't I turn into an unruly bitch. I guess alcoholism did get me too. I will be following this post with a separate post about this topic. I feel that it needs more detail and a place of it's own. However, I'm hurting. This is not easy and now I have to find a way to handle this new curve ball I found. I attended a speaker meeting in AA the other night. The speaker is an Al-anon and I learned she's an AA as well. Her story made me finally ask for a sponsor and I chose her. I'm finally going deeper. Time to fix things for real people.
I started this blog with good intentions of documenting my recovery only to let it die. So here's to a rebirth of sorts. I've now been in recovery for over 4 months and let me tell you it hasn't been easy. I've gone from a cold hearted nervous wreck to an emotional wreck to perfectly stable and back again several times.
At my start I went in cold, bitter, numb and hopeless. The longer I stayed in the more that has melted away. After the first month the bitterness left, I had hope and I was warming up a little. It felt amazing, like the rejuvenating effects of a hot bath after a long tiring day at work. Suddenly I wasn't stumbling around in the dark. For the time being I stopped crying the entire way home from every meeting. I had my footing in life once again and was able to at least stumble around on my own. my eyes were finally open again and able to see.
After 2 months I began to feel again. All of those years of holding my inner demons under lock and key made me so numb. I only felt the most extreme of emotions and I was so tired of it. When I finally started laughing again it was unbelievable. For the first time in so many years I was feeling true happiness. I learned at this point to keep my happiness I will have to work the steps. I mean fully work them. Until this point I had done the least amount of work possible. I still wasn't fully open. How far I had gotten with such little effort showed me to finally be whole I needed to go the mile. The whole mile with no shortcuts. Still I was reluctant to get a sponsor. I was scared, I don't know why but I was.
The 3 month point was my big turn around. I still hadn't ask for a sponsor but I made it through the first 3 steps on my own. Painfully staggering the entire way. I cried then openly for the first time in over 20 years. In fact I cried a lot and still am crying often. I started digging deep down in and dealing with memories and emotions that had been buried for so long that i had once forgotten them. Let me tell you this was the hard part. That dreaded 4th step, the fearless and searching moral inventory. I'm still on step 4 a month later. It just hurts so I've gone through it slower than I thought I would. In my own pain I caused pain to so many others. Whether it was unkind words, acts or just being downright nasty. I'll apologize to them all when that time comes and with my recent found tears I'm sure I'll cry my way through it.
3 months is also where I learned about these things called boundaries. Whoa those do exists and I can use them?.... Yes, yes I can use them. Most of my life I've taken what people give and always wanted more but never ask. Sometimes I wanted to not take it, but most often I did anyways. Now that I have these boundary things I don't have to take it. I can say no, I can tell someone I'm uncomfortable, and I can ask for what I really want. At first I set them with a fierce force almost like I had to be angry to do it. I quickly learned that I can gently say things and get even better results. Wow that 3rd month did me a lot of good.
Now here I am in month 4. I learned something new in this period. Something I'm having a lot of trouble grasping. When in stress I want to self medicate, if I don't I turn into an unruly bitch. I guess alcoholism did get me too. I will be following this post with a separate post about this topic. I feel that it needs more detail and a place of it's own. However, I'm hurting. This is not easy and now I have to find a way to handle this new curve ball I found. I attended a speaker meeting in AA the other night. The speaker is an Al-anon and I learned she's an AA as well. Her story made me finally ask for a sponsor and I chose her. I'm finally going deeper. Time to fix things for real people.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
the first steps are the hardest
I guess this is the where to start part right?
Well I don't know, there's so much to tell.
I've always known that being raised the way I was damaged me. It caused things like my anxiety, my scatter brained behaviors, my moodiness, the intolerance for anything addictive as well as anyone addicted, my impatients, my compassion for anyone having to deal with too much, my drive to help others and so much more. What I didn't realize (until dating an addict 6 years in recovery) was that it also made me reactive instead of proactive, that at 30 I should not still be carrying this grudge against them, that my constant procrastination is a side affect and my constantly needing things to change is even because of alcoholism.
After much push and nearly destroying my relationship with the one person i've met that actually "gets it" I finally went to Ala-Non. Let me tell you the first time was horrifying! I spent so many years hiding the fact that my mother was an alcoholic and I was not ready to let it out. I did not want to hear people's stories and see them cry, but most of all I did not want to cry myself.I've spent 30 years being told by my mother how awful crying in front of people is and how weak it makes you. I sat in my car for 10 minutes arguing with myself about whether or not I should just leave. Then finally I said I have to do this for ME. I put my big girl panties on, silenced my phone and went inside.
Everyone was nice and warm, they invited me in with open arms. I sat there still horrified and listened to the opening prayer. Finally spoke up and helped read the twelve steps and traditions. Then they did something amazing. They shared stories about their first time and how stubborn or scared they were. It let me know I wasn't alone that other people felt the same and experienced the same. I knew immediatly that I would go again.
I've been to two meetings in two weeks. I can already feel a change. It's because I now know that I can change, I can grow and become who I want to be. I am capable of overcoming the damage that has been done. I can't wait to see where I am a year from now. At the least I do know that I will still be posting it here. It doesn't even matter if anyone reads this, I need to let it out for me.
If anyone is reading then say something. Tell me about your first time or why you havent gone yet.
Well I don't know, there's so much to tell.
I've always known that being raised the way I was damaged me. It caused things like my anxiety, my scatter brained behaviors, my moodiness, the intolerance for anything addictive as well as anyone addicted, my impatients, my compassion for anyone having to deal with too much, my drive to help others and so much more. What I didn't realize (until dating an addict 6 years in recovery) was that it also made me reactive instead of proactive, that at 30 I should not still be carrying this grudge against them, that my constant procrastination is a side affect and my constantly needing things to change is even because of alcoholism.
After much push and nearly destroying my relationship with the one person i've met that actually "gets it" I finally went to Ala-Non. Let me tell you the first time was horrifying! I spent so many years hiding the fact that my mother was an alcoholic and I was not ready to let it out. I did not want to hear people's stories and see them cry, but most of all I did not want to cry myself.I've spent 30 years being told by my mother how awful crying in front of people is and how weak it makes you. I sat in my car for 10 minutes arguing with myself about whether or not I should just leave. Then finally I said I have to do this for ME. I put my big girl panties on, silenced my phone and went inside.
Everyone was nice and warm, they invited me in with open arms. I sat there still horrified and listened to the opening prayer. Finally spoke up and helped read the twelve steps and traditions. Then they did something amazing. They shared stories about their first time and how stubborn or scared they were. It let me know I wasn't alone that other people felt the same and experienced the same. I knew immediatly that I would go again.
I've been to two meetings in two weeks. I can already feel a change. It's because I now know that I can change, I can grow and become who I want to be. I am capable of overcoming the damage that has been done. I can't wait to see where I am a year from now. At the least I do know that I will still be posting it here. It doesn't even matter if anyone reads this, I need to let it out for me.
If anyone is reading then say something. Tell me about your first time or why you havent gone yet.
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